“Penalized Devotion”

 

            One cannot devote themselves wholeheartedly to something without being shafted for such a noble task.  I have noticed on many of an occasion that when you love or desire something more greatly than anything else that you have wanted, you will not receive it either immediately or even at all.  The opposite party that you want to respond, whether it be a university or another person, will only turn his/her/its back on you, deeming you to be an obsessive entity that is only striving for him/her/it for some sort of lucrative return.  Only you know that it is not true.

            The most common occurrence of this is the search for a university.  As many who consider [insert university name here] their ‘dream school,’ it is the ones who only apply for ‘the hell of it’ that get in.  As a result, the ones that really wanted to go to that particular educational institution lose hope (at least temporarily) in himself or herself, the school he/she had wished to go to, and in his/her own achievements.  The only thing I can say to those people is that I was once in your shoes.  I was one of the lucky few whose dream did not come true until I literally threw myself, tired and bloody, in front of the admissions committee for the second time.  It angers me that I had to suffer much further than the ‘hell of it’ man, but it is the destiny of the greatest people to go through hell to make it to heaven.

            For other situations such as relationships with others, it is frustrating when you put your whole heart, mind, and soul to ensure the well being of the other half but in return get nothing but your own shameful loneliness.  Time and maturity prescribe that the human spirit must either escape from such a problem or allow it to degenerate the will to fight for greater days.  The hardest part for me of letting go of such a willed devotion is that it was for an entity that, during times of my utmost despair, lifted me so high that I had to look down to see heaven.  This was the same one that fueled my passions to achieve great things, push myself harder in whatever I did, and kept me mentally alive when I should have died so long ago.  In sum, it is when that devotion felt so right that it was truly wrong.  As for my loyalty to another, I know that I must keep it to myself or get hurt once again.

            One cannot feel anything but cynical at the human race for such an indirect source of betrayal, but this generalization will only cause you to become bitter and close yourself off to the potential sources of inspiration that will truly not fail you in the end.  It is only considered a ‘good run’ when it ends in sadness.  It is a ‘frustrating run’ when there is no end in sight.  It is a ‘run with no answer’ when it ends without a satisfying coda.  Therefore, I must embark on the slow and painful road of getting over that inspiration and change my fuel of motivation.

            I am the Buck of the world.  It is my destiny to wander as the ghost dog who returns to the same scene of atrocity and howls mournfully at its loss.  But at the same time, I will seek revenge at the aggressors that forcefully ripped it from my sight.  I did all for the love of man, but I have answered to the law of club and fang.  He who yields the club is the master of my fate.  I can only bite back until I am violently stricken down.

            And so I search again.  I am my only constant state now.