"We love without reason, and without reason we hate."

- Jean Francois Regnard

Dear__________,

So another letter addressed toward you...not that you've read the other ones. You know, I put a lot of work into those letters, but perhaps they're treated like those random spam emails you get when you don't check the mailbox very frequently. (There are many things in print right now that probably shouldn't be, anyway.) Maybe they're just more useless fodder for the recycling bin. I've been waiting for better days to write to you - I consider this time more than a neutral ground than anything else, where nothing is neither good nor bad but equally confusing.

There's nothing to report here. I'm still chugging along here at USC. The job pays. The house still tortures me, and I still wish I could leave all this to find a place in which prosperity is encouraged and conformity is eliminated. I dream too much...perhaps that's what alienates me from the normal people. When you're alone and you're on the verge of giving up, you just have to slap yourself to keep on going. I have found lately that standing tall in the midst of trial is much harder than it seems.

So, where have you gone? I've asked this question so many times that I've stopped expecting an answer, and since I'm not expecting a reply of any sort, I think I can use this as grounds to rant. I mean, I'm only screaming at a wall, thousands of miles away. After a while, it makes you look like a complete idiot - but it's relieving.

I have pages of writings I've wanted to give to you, but nobody was there to receive them. Maybe it's good you didn't receive them - I've probably already caused much trouble with my form of expression that words have become very dangerous for me. But this hole! Let me go on without this cloud looming over my head.

Tell me that you never had any feelings for me, and that I've wasted three years of my life dreaming of something that was only a way to mentally survive the chaos that ensued after I left high school. Tell me that I don't belong here and that I need to go. Just liberate me from the mystery. It isn't fair to me, and for once, I want to consider this "me" as someone who deserves at least once straight answer.

I don't want to hate you, but I've come to the point that it is the only way for me to move on. You don't exist here anymore, yet you do in my heart. Why you? I don't understand it...but there have been times when I've just wanted to scream at you to leave.

I feel so alone, and I want to know that I can move on with my life. It's so hard to block you, in fact, it's impossible. And the sad thing is, only you have the answers - and I hope that this is a rarity, that I have to trust a ghost once again. Perhaps you can finally leave peacefully, without a trace.

I hope that one day, I can look up at the stars and no longer wonder if I can follow them back to you. I hope that one day, I can find a peace to this matter and find a path that leads to being happy without the consequences that have been given to me. Maybe one day, unnecessary suffering will be a thing of the past.

This is the request that I now throw at the long distanced wall. And this is what I will throw once again to the fate of the digital abysses of e-mail.

Christine