“The Silverfox Complex”

What is Silverfox? Is it more than a mere name that splays the front of my jacket, an alter ego and more? Who is this made-up character that has found its way into my thinking?

I believe that Agent Silverfox, invented in a daydream sometime in my youth, was a means of escape, possibly a method for me to be something I’m not: a great person, one who has the ability to do anything special with the gift of life-changing opportunities and adventures. I can remember the many years of going home and thinking of what to do over the weekend by myself, knowing that that was all I could do, and any attempt to change and be human, socially, would have approached me with hostility.

What is the definition of being truly human? We are naturally born to socialize, and of course, there are the few who are at the brink of being too late to do so. I fear that I am one of them, not because of choice, but because of circumstances beyond my control. I live in the fast lane, flooding myself with activities and giving it all to finish that one paper, that one display, that one project, to please who? To get away from what? I have to live for myself, not what’s on print…

I have not had a normal childhood. I explored by defying convention, taking ‘risks,’ and many times, paying for them by getting more restrictions. But I think now I have been beaten down so far that I choose not to get up anymore because I am weak. I feel like a fly who has landed in a bottle of ink, pulled out to safety, and then doused with more of the mucky fluid while I try to clean myself up (extra points to the person who finds out where I got this comparison from). I feel tied because I couldn’t be normal. I had to be locked away in some sort of capsule away from other children and ‘foreign’ influences that my parents thought would “harm” me.

But isn’t this type of “harm” a part of growing up? Isn’t one supposed to learn how to deal with people and learn from those successes and failures? I want to explore, and I still can’t without offending the people I know. I am narrow minded, because my scope of vision is narrow, only based on the few things I have been allowed to see. There were many times when I wish I could just scream and tell them that I want to see the world I live in, not just listen to what they tell me. I regret that I have not had the chance to fall. I regret I have not had the chance to learn. Nevertheless, the blame game will only make me more frustrated than I already am.

Life is so much more complex than what can be told, and to limit it to the stories of the experiences of a few people and their normal habits is a waste, in the sense that there is more out there. I know there is more. I know there is so much more, yet it is out my reach, until I can pick my locks and get my quick stare before I am chained again.

I have a friend, a wise one, who has helped me realize where I am on this, and to this day, I am still trying to ponder his words. It’s all contradictory, because the more I want to try to know, the less I am eager to, because I am scared of something that only exists in my head. Maybe the successes that my alter ego has attained are, in some ways, what I could achieve in reality. I believe that Silverfox is my poster of encouragement, a name that means bravery and hope, because I am not the only one who has faced difficulties. The only difference between her and me is that she has conquered them.